the on going thoughts.....

I don't know where to begin. I have so much on my mind, so many thoughts and questions to be answered, and not enough time. Being a college student, I have so many things on the top of my priority list, but sometimes I feel as if this list gets scrambled, like eggs. My family and school work are at the top of my list, then comes friends and personal relationships. At times, I feel as I need one more than the other. At times I need the attention and childish affection from my mother, and then other times my body yearns the touch from a passionate lover. As of right now, I don't know if its possible for me to have all of the cravings that my body wants and feels that it needs. I know that the affection that I receive from my mother will always be there, and I hope I can say the same about my closes friends in my life. But when I think about that passionate lover, he goes in and out of the window like a buzzing bumble bee.

I think I can compare myself to the average 20 year old girl. I had my share of ups and downs, trials and tribulations, love, headache and heartache. I had my share of men in my life, good ones, ass holes, those who want to get in and get out, yeah i think thats it. But just like the typical girl, theres always one who will always hold a special place in my heart, a special person, who I love and love to hate, that person who I wish was right by my side, and at the same time miles and miles away, out of my mind and out of my life.

I love to watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, the characters help me see the person who I want to be in the future. Not necessarily a doctor, but driven and focused. I love all of the drama and love surrounding the plots, and it makes me envious. I think about the love and intimacy they share (Derek and Meredith) and it makes me wonder if I can have and find that someday. I constantly revert back to the ongoing 4 year physical and mental relationship with Christopher. He has my heart, and I wish he didn't. We constantly fight and argue, and sometimes I wonder how can we ever get past this. There was almost 2 yrs where we were in perfect bliss. But, as we all know nothing is perfect, and imperfections always exist. I imagine the days where he would surprise me at my door with roses, or take me on a mystery date for my birthday. Now all that exists is constant fights, and him constantly judging my imperfections and the natural change that a person must endure in 4 yrs. I am not the same person I was when I was 16, even though sometimes I wish I was, I am very happy that I am not. Then, I think of the time when Chris was 16, and before the arguments, before the lies and deception, before the cheating and deceiving, when he was simply the person that loved me for all of my faults, and tried to uplift the person that I am instead of pointing out my every mistake. He thinks he has changed and he apologizes for all of the wrongs he has done for me, he believes he changed. He believes he turned his life around, and I am happy for him. But allow me to get to that stage, allow me to see if I can change my indiscretions.

At the end of this, all I simply have to say is allow me to find my way, my path towards enlightenment, and as I walk down that trail, all I ask is that you please don't judge me.