solitude

Alone.
Seclusion.
Apart.
Different.

These are among the many ways that I feel. I am surrounded by people, every hour of the day. But, none of these people are ones I can call my best friends. You would see me and look at me, and say what are you talking about, you have lots of friends. And, would reply, they are merely acquaintances. I do believe I have a few people whom I can call friends, people that I can hang out with, people who I know are there where I need them, when I am bored and also when I am on the verge of shedding tears. Its weird and times, cuz I dont. I think of when I was home at school, and myself and others would consider myself to be fairly popular. I had lots of friends, I would receive phone calls constantly, every month I went over or was on the brink of using all of my minutes. Its funny, when it all finally hits me. A weekend where everyone's friends come to visit, and I have no massive group of people on my floor, or no one to fight over the sheets with. Its funny when you go to a neighboring hotel, to see so many people you know. Four hours away from your school, and not one of them give you a call to say hey.

I am alone, and sometimes I don't mind, but sometimes it would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on, someone that is your peer, someone who is experiencing what you are going through this exact moment. I feel alone, and I at times I never really felt appreciated for whom I am and the qualities that I portray. I want people to be there for me, not only when I call, but when I don't call, and have others call me and think, oh I just wanted to see how your doing. Right now, I can't say that I do. I don't want to give anyone the impression that I dont have that. I do, but its still not the relationship I would wish for. My mother would tell me being alone is alright, you were born alone, and you stand alone. I am grateful for that, and sometimes solitude is fine, and greatly wanted.

Perhaps its this college lifestyle that is pulling me away from everything. I just really dont understand. My college experience, or college experience in general, is suppose to be an uplifting experience, enhancing your knowledge, allowing you to be aware of many different things. Without a doubt, it is doing that! I am learning so much, and I am grateful for my knowledge, but at the same time, I feel as my education is pulling me away from my friends, derailing me from my original beliefs. I don't really know what to think about it, or what next step needs to be taken.

I guess alone time is what I need to regroup my thoughts, but is being alone worth it, if no one can understand you but yourself?